Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I am just waiting for that moment when that 'me' will emerge. Till then it is just me.
And suddenly I turned a page and found a few lines that had caught my fancy:
"Your own reality - for yourself, not for others - what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means."
Conrad, Heart of Darkness
Thursday, November 13, 2008
* I most of the time feel that I am spaced out, in a state of zombie, walking around in my own Lala land. Most of the time I let everything around me just pass by. I like the feeling when I am the only one standing against the flow, without any motion, feeling the flow of humanity dragging me towards an unknown destiny.
* I have never in my life made a conscious effort to make relationships work. If you think that I am your best friend that is because you make me feel special and hence I think I should reciprocate. I have let many an important people walk away from my life, just like that... And now, I feel it is time that I should do something about it.
* I prefer to be politically correct. Even if in my head I take a side, I will usually not disclose that unless under dire circumstances. So when I really want to say something, it is usually a spontaneous outburst of emotions.
* Although I claim to be this 2008 woman who can take care of herself, deep within I am still the only daughter. I am free to take decisions for myself, but cannot seem to take one without their hallowed approval, no matter how much I try.
* I have slowly achieved all that I wanted to achieve in life, till at least this stage of my life. But now I don't know where to go next.
* I don't have too many hobbies and those I do, I don't stick to them for too long. I give up things abruptly, which till the moment before meant a lot to me. And I must confess that it has cost me a lot in life.
* I am a scary blend of contradictions. Just when you thought that I am one of those kind souls who thinks about everybody, wait till you hear me snap at any random victim. The worst part being you don't know what's coming, until it hits you and you are left thinking - "What did just happen?" Just when you think that you know... I will throw a surprise at you.
* If I like you, I will put my trust and faith in you. If you disappoint me, I'll just shut up and before you know the situation will turn from we being friends,it will be all about you in a manner you wont even realize. And then when day when I will not be able to take it anymore, I'll leave... without any explanations.
* I seem like a blabbermouth, talking a mile a dozen. I tell entertaining stories about what's happening in and around. Well, it's just me making you believe that you are updated about what's with everything in this small world of ours. I am just doing my duty as a friend to keep you informed.
** After reading this you may feel that you don't know me at all. Well, what can I say, real stories are never entertaining.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).
Came across these quotes while whiling away my precious youth surfing the net.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Her first follower was her father who brought her into the world of music. She was like the Brahmin – twice born; once from her mother’s womb and again into the world of music, holding her father’s hand. He was her worst critic and again her best friend who told her to watch out at every step.
And then the day came when that perfect world of her shattered and broke to pieces. It was the end of the world for her. Everything that she had believed all these years felt like a lie. She questioned her reality and thought whether the life she has led till that day – was it true or was it a dream? Yes, she has heard of dreams coming to an end and the fact that reality may not be the same as what one thinks. But is this the same thing? Has that demon caught up with her? The demon which she always thought existed in the far away fairytales found in storybooks. It is that demon that has now come to rob her off that life that she holds so close to her heart?
She has always been close to her father. He was her God. She worshipped him as she had seen so many of his disciples do. But never once did she realize that for her father she was more the disciple than the daughter. Slowly, as she grew up she began to notice the cracks in the relationship that she held so reverently, with her father. Just like the way her mother began noticing after her sister was born. May be she had been witness to things but was too young to comprehend the immensity of the small insignificant incidents.
It hit her that afternoon when she came back from school. She felt the tension in the room the moment she entered. Her father sat brooding. An expression so menacing; something she never associated with her father. But it will become the truth for her about her father. That’s how she will always remember him, despite the perfect childhood that she had enjoyed.
For the first time she began to question the marks on her mother’s body. For the first time she began to look at her father just like any other man. For the first time she began to question the comings and goings of the lady friends in her father’s life. Why did they suddenly appear and then was never heard off again? Her life was no more like any other sixteen year old. She became her mother’s support and her sister’s role model. She made sure that she was never anybody’s God. She was hurt. She was lost. She was made to grow up before her time. She was thrown into the dark grim pit of reality a little too soon.
The world began to have a different hue altogether. It had only one colour, white. No not because it was pure. But it was like a clean slate, on which she had to know and understand the world anew. Everything she had believed till this day held no truth for her anymore. She scrapped it all and began to build her own world, as she saw it.
May be continued...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
tobe bola kae je ami kono din uttor khonji ni... proshno Tao je jageni. Ajo ki ami kono uttor khunjchHi?
Kotha theke kotha bheshe elo. Ami phire elam... na shei roudro pora maThe te noe. Door desher ekTi shohore ja amar bari ei duTi bochhor
er jonno... tarpor? Abar bhebe dekhbo na hoe, kemon?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
So my ten days of complete bliss is finally over. And back to that life that has become closer to heart and away from home. I did miss this life, yes, I did say that after that disclaimer in my previous post (which attracted three quite different types of comments).
Some were waiting for me to come back for reasons known as well as unknown to me. Some were unabashed friends who placed orders for bengali sweets and there were many silent others whom I knew closely followed my blog, but refused to flatter me with a comment :P
With a few technical glitches my life is back to normal. Well.... yes my laptop's not working... a complete earth stopping incident for someone whose temperamental graph swings according to the well being of one's laptop!! Hopefully, everything will fall into its usual groove (that would include me again hunched in front of the comp and becoming more and more difficult to be pulled out of my room except for food and occasional classes).
As for what I have missed... here's a sneak peak -----
# A referendum that would decide where we are going to eat our pathetic daily morsels.
# A full fledged protest and that meant no classes
# My close friend getting hand picked by the admin to be part of the admin nominated member of the student member
But that doesn't top life from rolling, right?
So I am trying to brace it with a brave front.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I am going home for the Durga Pujas. No, not to spend the hours contributing to the footfall meter in Maddox or some other place. I am expecting this trip to be like a break to unwind after the too many things happening in my mortal life. A lot of people whom I haven't had the the privilege to meet with, I shall bump into. Fond memories to be exchanged and nostalgia shall be indulged.
Hence, I shall not be blogging for sometime. But I will definitely come back with a whole lot of wonderful experiences to talk about as well as photographs to lose one self in.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
An sms from an old friend in a different city, living a separate life and yet trying to keep in touch, bracing to keep the distance away...
A winter evening,
Four pegs of whisky...
100 bucks for petrol,
Two rusty old bikes,
An open road...
Rafi song on vividhbharati...
1 prep leave,
*some text missing*
Yes, the truth hits you at the most unexpected moments.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
What is it that makes us not see the glaring difference between the truth and the fake. I remember the strained smile that hurts at the corner of my lips, the unwanted enthusiasm that left me tired the end of the meeting, that expression of joy that holds no meaning, a familiarity with people where nothing such exists. But no, I find it difficult to do that every time.
Does that get me anywhere? I am still trying to figure out. Does the blatant truth hurt my friend or will that fake assurance make me a better friend? Should I let the thought of losing a friend over power my sense of right and wrong or should I be the one to bring that friend closer to the reality?
Well the fact that I am not that popular either should tell me something.
I am told that it is the art of social networking. A kind of investment of time and energy to build an image that I myself don't identify. So I see two identical figures standing side by side looking at each other with an expression of uncertainty and fear. Is it the fear that we all share when it comes to encountering the truth about ourselves? What shall we see in the mirror? Not the me I am supposed to look at - but the me I have built myself into. I don't find the me in that reflection. I wonder, is that me?
No, I cannot bear the thought of looking at anybody else in my mirror!
What should I do? Should I laugh?
Is it the desperation to be seen and known by the seen and known so important in life? As Milton said: "They also serve, those who stand and wait."
What is it that stops humanity to serve as they stand and wait? I think.
The words 'happening', 'in', 'popularity index', 'famous'... crowd my thoughts. I try to search for the me in that. I look hard. I see a vague image, pushed by people... to become the truth. But the sight scares me. I run away.
What have I lost? Not much. Just a few passersby who did not mean much in my life... but they sure did try to be someone. And then where would I have been. Again the thought scares me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The rains came...
An emergency meeting was called to salvage the situation.
Onam celebrations did happen. With a blast. Wonderful performances.
But hey where did things go wrong?
After the rains it was the soggy lawn. Sitting on it was out of the question. Thus over 100 chairs were carried out of the classrooms to the lawn. It was a moment to remember when everyone pitched in to make the evening 'happen'.
The time had to be shifted to post-dinner.
The usual CIEFL delays...
The programme starts with Sneha cracking the saddest joke she could come up with till date... but she still pulled it off.
Sharika had a wardrobe malfunction in both the traditional dances.
Vrinda got an electric shock because of the wet stage and the wires that were running underneath it. Hence, Thiruvathirakalli had to started again, and then the sound man forgot to increase the faders. So after two missed shots the dance finally happened. And all this going onstage and coming off did some good to the jittery nerves of the dancers.
The rest of the programme went smoothly with the high point being the play.
And then the chain of disasters started after everything got over. Two cases of cramps and faints.
That entailed a second round of running around...
But all said and done we all went to bed with the happy thought that despite everything we have pulled it off!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
And in the midst of this hurly burly I suddenly find myself having nothing to do. I wait as the clock ticks. In a few minutes the room will be filled by the rustles of the fabric that will crowd this space that I prefer to call my own.
As I sit pondering I recall what I have done the whole day. Fairly a huge amount of work but nothing very concrete though. But the company was good. So time flowed as if it has wings. My first venture outside the room (after the late breakfast of maggi with coffee and a sad effort at studying) led me to the path of gossip. Then took up the brave front of a friend who stands by another. Threatened and coaxed people to come and help me in the deed. Lunch was another round of the serpentine maggi.
And then the rains came…
First in tokens and then as cats and dogs.
Nature betrayed us or were we too confident of its mood swings?
But man just doesn’t give up.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Surprises in my life have been very few. Yeah… you can kind of say that my life’s been pretty much predictable – leaving aside the exam results and grades – having spent the larger part of my life in one city, cocooned by family and relatives, same set of friends, whom I believe were always going to be there (operational word being ‘believed’).
Way back in primary school the pleasurable surprise of getting a present from Santa was broken the very next day when my parents explained that there is nothing such as Santa coming and giving you presents. It was Dad who put it there the night before. However, I was not one to give up so easily. Thus Dad became my Santa, which in a way made it easier for me to make my wishes heard during Christmas! Hence I don’t complain that I was forced to grow up early, only that I was made closer to reality. Even today, so many years after Santa Clause was erased out of my fantasies, my Dad fails to hold his enthusiasm to give me the gift he has got for my birthday. Well, the actual incident was, he forgot the most important part – that birthday gifts are kept as a surprise!
But that doesn’t stop me from surprising others, especially people I care about and friends who are close to me. I act impulsively. I get a gift because I want to convey my warmest regards – not thinking whether that’s what and how I should give. It hits me later when I see the expression on my friends’ face change or when not a single muscle flinched in reaction – that it wasn’t really a good idea. It has always been wonderful to surprise my mum. How can I ever forget her face breaking into a wide smile? Mums… they are always such a boost to your ego!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Another series of blasts have rocked the capital. The gory picture on the front page hit me, the first thing I picked up the paper. Scrat walked in when I was helping myself into a huge mug of coffee, insisting that I wish a GOOD morning.
I realized that I wake up nowadays with this sinking feeling that I am losing out the battle with life. What battle... I have no idea... but that's how people put it, right?
It hits you hard when you realize that what you thought is not actually how it is. A gift that depresses you, the gift - the thought of which - takes the smile away from the face. A deadpan expression greets when there should have been a smile... Or am I wrong? Am I dreaming?
Too many voices speak inside my head. But strain my ear for sanity. It seems to have been trampled over by the unnecessary. Am I losing it?
Losing is such a depressing process... lose a game, lose a quarrel, lose a friend, lose a life. Am I scared to face the truth?
The events of a year gone by sails passed me. The same events being repeated... with certain changes in character. It is a scary feeling. I want to shut myself out of this reality. I want to get away. Yes, I want to escape... if that calms my unsettled reality.
Bachna Ae Hasino. And if the University film club screenings count, then Lolita (the Adrian Lyne version)
2. WHAT BOOK AM I READING?
I have the habit of reading multiple books at a time.
Erich Segal’s Acts of Faith.
Other reference books related to my present courses.
3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
My all time favourite – Scrabble
4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
Readers’ Digest and of course the EFL-U campus magazine that is a product of our personal initiative (and I shall not accept anything otherwise)
5. FAVORITE SMELLS?
I love the smell of the freshly soaked earth after the first monsoon showers.
6. FAVORITE SOUND?
My mum’s voice… the first thing I hear when I wake up in the morning… Miss ya lots, Ma.
7. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE?
Umm… Where exactly am I? What day is today? When is my first class? The three questions pop into my mind at the same time, creating quite a havoc in my mind.
9. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Fairly new to the city… not much of a venturer either. But nothing can beat Park Café fish fry and cutlet near my house.
10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
11. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I'D...?
Well, I’m not much of an optimist. Like to keep life simple and take one day at a time. Don’t indulge in hallucination…!!!
12. DO I DRIVE FAST?
The fact that I don’t yet have a license should speak loads.
13. DO I SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
A violent negative!
14. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?
15. WHAT WAS MY FIRST CAR?
Never was a car fanatic. First car to have taken a ride in and worth remembering is when my uncle let me hold the steering while he took care of the gear, clutch, accelerator and brakes.
16. FAVORITE DRINK?
Big time coffee person… some say that one day if they have to draw blood form my system, all they will get is caffeine.
17. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD .....
Re-live some of the memorable moments of my life… I know it is too difficult to go back to the not-so-memorable ones and try to set it right. Rather, they are the ones that make life worth living.
18. DO I EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?
Yeah… why not.
19. IF I COULD DYE MY HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE?
20. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS I HAVE LIVED IN
Was born in Calcutta (now Kolkata). Have lived there, grown up there and will most probably settle there. There was of course a little dash of a couple of wonderful years spent in Hyderabad.
21. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Cricekt without a shade of doubt.
22. WHAT'S UNDER MY BED?
23. WOULD I LIKE TO BE BORN AS MYSELF AGAIN?
Yes... And I would prefer it if I could remember this life… creepy but I’m being frank.
24. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL?
Was a morning person, till I came to this place called CIEFL and everything went for a toss… right now, I’m kind of both..
25. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP?
Sunny side up..!!
26. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?
I feel like a vagabond without a home… Is it the room that lies vacant back in Kolkata my own, or the present one that I share with my roommate and in which I spend most of my time.
27. FAVORITE PIE?
All American Pie movies
28. FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Chocolate… any time!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I associate things more through sounds and smell. It was something I had from a very young age. I was always close to my Uncle. Whenever he would enter the house, no matter which part of the house I was in, even if I hadn’t seen him enter, I would be able to tell that he was here, just by the smell with which I associate even to this day. This has proved true more than once till a very old age.
However, more than my smell I am stronger by my ear. If I hear a tune, even if I did not know the language, I will be able to identify the song even after a long time. I use pick up tunes like an ‘automatic machine’ as my friends use say. I never write down the notes of the songs I played, even if it is a competition.
In that way, I remembered a lot of things by the picture of that particular moment that had got stuck in my memory. I still vaguely remember the picture of that day in the hospital when I was admitted because of high fever, 22 years back. I remember the long room with many beds around and the nurse pulling up the protective rails on the sides of my bed.
I still remember the face of my mother crying when I said goodbye for the day, when she was in the hospital because of an accident.
I remember the embarrassing moment when I cracked the most idiotic jokes and was laughed at - their laughter still rings in my ears
I remember the afternoon when I reacted to an emergency - the concern written all over my aunt's face when I opened the door to her.
I remember the mornings when I recited the mathematical tables to my mum as I waited for the school bus to come.
I remember the night we spent with my Grand ma's body, waiting for my Uncle to come to perform the last rites - the smell of the incense still lingering in my memory.
I remember the moment when I sprained my ankle - the fall and what led to it - all like a movie in slow motion.
I remember the day I got busted for coming late from school as I was caught up in the practice for an important match - mum's voice still rings in my ears.
I remember the day I first dove into the water for my first competition. I remember feeling the sweat trickling down my forehead even in water, as I graduated to advanced swimming - all like a camera that is running in front of my eyes.
I remember the bus ride to St. Stephens from Palam - the Hum Tum song is still etched in my memory and that's what I associate that song with.
But I realize that I hardly remember anything with me in it. I have always loathed my photographs being taken. Videography was not a matter of everyday parlance. So as I hold the memory of the world around me, nowhere in them m I able to place myself.
Is that the reason I never see myself in a dream or more importantly, I hardly remember any of my dreams or may be I don't dream at all!
As a kid I had the habit of speaking, not myself, but to imaginary others, whom most of the time I knew, but were not actually present when I was addressing them. Usually these others are people who were part of my immediate life – my swimming coach, a friend, a new member in the family. However, this did not mean that I talked to them all the same. This happened in my imaginary world. The funniest part is that when I was in front of them, I may not even speak a word to them. The very person, with whom I had talked in my imagination, became a stranger to me.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Ever since the day I have been going to the nursery school, I remember sometimes going into another world. It was a world where I perceived things differently. One might ask what I meant by this term ‘different’. But who should answer - the kid who used to tug at her father’s arm, giving the last shot of not making to school or this present me. Not that I did not like school. I loved going to school. I had always been quite lucky (at least in the early years of my school life) to have gotten wonderful teachers. I was always the kind of person (I am using the word person because I am still like that even now) who did not like too many changes too often. I wanted to stay rooted to one place till I get tired of that place. After which I will start looking around for opportunities to change. This does not mean that I forget the past. Absolutely not! Contradictory as it may seem, I like to hold on to every part of my life that I have lived so far. Some people live for the moment. I do that too. Only I re-live every moment of my life. I am the person who saves all my messages and mails, which I consider holds a piece of my life. I would go back to them and read them over and over again, recalling the very moment, the mood or the previous conversations that provoked that message or mail. That is when I go into another world. A completely different zone altogether. But I must clarify this to my readers that come what may I do not wallow in the sad memories which I very often recall. I kind of become a distant observer of my own self.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to sit in my class and look around at what my friends are doing. The surrounding sounds used to get muffled into one big indistinguishable sound. I particularly remember one day in my kindergarten school. This was just the year before I got admitted into a bigger school. The teacher was taking the class attendance. I was in one of those inexplicable zones of mine. The boys were lost in their stupid games, there was one girl with long hair. She was already prying open her Tiffin box. I remember, it was a green transparent plastic Tiffin box. She had brought boiled egg. She was all engrossed in her precious Tiffin Box. There was another girl (I must mention that both of them would later become my schoolmates in the bigger school) who slept while the teacher kept on calling out her name. She would finally wake up at the end of the roll call and go up to the teacher to make her presence felt. I cannot vouch whether this happened everyday. I remember only this particular day.
All these recollections had its toll on me too. As I grew older I would not only recollect but constantly judge my actions. I always had a very low opinion of me. I thought myself to be a poor writer even when there were articles that were getting published one after another. I was always conscious (for reasons unknown to me) that I did not know the perfect grammar, neither in English nor in my mother tongue. In fact, I believe that hadn’t I always judged myself I would have taken things/ situation for granted and stopped taking them seriously. It made me conscious and clumsy at times. Well, I was just following the ways of the universe. I know what to do in a situation. But I would find myself making the silliest of mistakes that made me go red to the ears! After that, I would go over that incident over and over in my mind, till I reached a point when I could not take the shame of having embarrassed myself.
My day dreams consists of people I may not even know. But one thing for sure, the idea of day dream always reminds me of one of my friends back in school, whom we called 'daydreamer'. No it was not me.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Your vehicle is services and ready for delivery. Job no: 538, the bill amount is 2847
So technically, I have the chances of getting a car by 2847 bucks!!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A stuffy auditorium... a couple of teachers and a few students... People slowly filing in. One known face making us aware of the land struggle that is raging in Kerela of late... It seems to be another Nandigram in the making... but I will not go into that right now. The speakers were good, or may be because I was interested in the whole issue that kept me up.
The documentary started... but the subtitles refused to work... well they were not exactly subtitles per se but paraphrases... So as I waited for some text to appear, the person on the big screen would go on in a language I have no frikkin' clue about.
Came back to my room. Feels weird nowadays to be in a room and not be with someone else. But my roomy is busy with a presentation... might miss her performance... got a class.
Just when I thought that the day finally drawing to a close... one weird accusation came shooting at me...
I am just left tired. This place is now getting full of them. I am just left wondering how sometimes (thankfully not always) even I get involved in them too...
I wake up, drag myself out of my bed to the loo, only to discover that the good for nothing no one's pet but want to be one dog has pooped right in the middle of the bathroom... So much for morning ablutions in peace...
Went to mess... bumped into a certain someone whom I have been avoiding like a plague since yesterday... a perfect morning gone down the drain.
The mess queue was longer than ever. A simple meal demanded that I stand in the queue for a perfect 40 minutes before I get four very oily puries that will make your stomach turn.
Over the food, one very enthusiastic senior (already up and ready with her jhola et al) tells me about one fiasco that happened last night. The campus seems to thrive with these nowadays.
No classes in the morning... Thanks to a friend in need friend, I enjoyed a warm cup of coffee with chocolate powder. Only to realize that I have exactly half an hour to finish my unfinished appointment with Mr Loo...
After a brain chewing (if there is any such word) I am greeted with a yucky looking vegetable curry in the mess. So had to make do with veg roll.
Afternoons are fun. Chatted with a whole lot of friends...to be more correct bitched. The clock is ticking another pathetically spent couple of hours staring at me...
Oh that means, gotta go now... may be i will catch up later.
Monday, August 25, 2008
There is always this sense of deja vu,with which I am greeted everyday. The ever increasing pile of reading materials 'to be read' is largely responsible for that. No... I am not complaining. Who said I am complaining? I am just stating the facts of my existence...something which I would like to call life.
I have put away the table clock as far as possible from me. Time has become clever too. It refuses to be confined to my pace. I am arrogant too. I refuse to be bossed around by time, of all people. So I have now my own set of time that works on its own pace. And this where it has landed me in.
The not-so-distant sound of the train jolts me out of my reverie. Even my time pushes me to complete this article... But my mind is already full of so many things to do. So many more to read, some more negotiation with the inevitable time, the deal struck with slumber so that it does not strike when it is imperative to keep my eyes open (everybody knows where I mean).
And I drag myself to start another day, another week of so many left to be done feeling that would eat into me.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
~ John Lennon
Sunday, August 17, 2008
There were days when I didn’t understand you…
Felt like I don’t know you…
You may have felt the same way;
But you always thought the best for me.
My life has found a definition-
Thanks to your love and nurturing.
I was like a potter’s clay-
Ready to be molded
Wherever the forces of life took me.
But you stood like the deep rooted tree
And anchoring me-
To life’s realities.
With you I began to see life in a whole new light.
Ma,you have always been the torch-bearer
And believe you me, so you shall always be,
Forever and for always…
Monday, August 11, 2008
- Shankha Ghosh
Courtesy: Samata Biswas
Saturday, August 9, 2008
it is like time flowing past you
i have somewhere to go
but my mind refuses take my body
anywhere ... no where.
It is a beautiful day
the smell of newly washed leaves
the strong breeze that brings it towards me.
I am enraptured
carried away to the other me
the me who wants to be a nobody
the me who does not want to leave the gentle assurance of the mother's voice.
I woke up with a warmth on my cheek
i haven't been woken up such for a long time
always rubbing the sleep from my eyes
hurrying to wherever my feet took me.
My heart warmed up
and a weird pain crept into me
happiness was short lived
i knew this will go too
there is something so volatile so powerful
i could never hold on to it.
Every time that soft end of the sari
just slipped between my fingers.
I am just left wondering
will i ever get back those days...
Monday, May 26, 2008
I’ve read of people going to places
Leading a life of a bohemian
Seeing the world…
Not through books
(As I do)
But by being there themselves.
I wanna see the world
I wanna know its people.
Yet I’m held back…
The unknown devil’s fear holds me back.
I took one bold step
Those around me revolted.
I gave up,
For I put them first.
I am sick of it,
Something, that gives me nothing.
They corner you
They overpower you
They know you from childhood…
They make you regret
That you ever dreamt of being YOU.
Too many invisible eyes watch you,
From the dark corners;
Ready to pounce upon you.
I am JUST 19, and yet I’m old enough.
I’m stupid… I trusted a stranger.
We say we need families
Family, that teaches you
To stick to the status quo,
Like a primitive man?
That I just wanna be me!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Night's revels vanish in a flash. Non-working flush. A curse on someone's lips. The tap drips. The day rolls by. The bed is a better place than anywhere else in the world. The cell alarm beeps. Snooze. Then completely stop. The laptop screen flickers its light at me. Assignments beckon me. I try to run away. Home seems to be a vague luxury. A constant music plays...that runs havoc in my mind...
Music the only retreat away from anywhere...here, there, everywhere.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The MMTS is one such thing. Proven to be the cheapest mode of transport in and around the twin city, the MMTS refuses to give a me chance to avail its opportunities. Three consecutive times I, along with my friends (different groups of friends but with me as the common factor) have missed the MMTS. The important point to be noted is that, everytime, we miss it just when the train is whistling into the other platform and we are standing on the other platform in front of the ticket counter...
Now what do you have to say?
Last time when we missed the train and then had to burn a hole in our pockets to reach the destined place, one of my seniors said that the next time they decide to take the MMTS and they have me along with them they better turn up half an hour before the scheduled time... and then on second thoughts she added - "May be then the train itself might get cancelled!"
Just when I thought that my life was perfect, BANG came the shock! Bhalla asked me to redo the term paper. I was counting my days to go back home, or atleast be done with my exams, and now I have this on my head.
So when friends were eagerly asking me about my grades, I gave them an equally enthusiastic answer - "Oh I've been asked to rewrite!" - and took the pleasure in watching the smile fade out from people's faces. Well yes, people are kind to each other in such situations... you never know when disaster may strike you too!
Advices come pouring in and so does the abuses... It's like a wrong done against a commune which must be protected at all costs from disaster...
I wonder what's wrong with me....!!!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The coolers had been waiting and adorning the hostel corridors for some days. I was surprised myself why somebody (atleast from the MH) hadn't tried their hands on it already. So yesterday when the mercury hit the ceiling...our "men" got desperate. So what the coolers are not in a working condition, they can make them 'work' according to their rules and logic. So they pulled the cooler near the water filter. Filled it up with water.
No, they did not drink that water, nor did they throw it away. They filed their bottles with the filter water and then put those bottles inside the cooling water of the cooler!! So much for paying heed to the warning that screamed :CLEAN WITH ISO-PROPYLE ALCOHOL before using it.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Life pulsates in my veins
The blood trying to break its reins
It's the young blood
Restless, brimming with potential.
The hearts are young
The world beckons them.
I brought them together
A bundle of young minds
Who dream to paint the world afresh
With colours that define their wealth.
Weird stuff make them grimace
The sunlight on their faces.
They're swayed by the tumultous world
Of fame and race.
They define anew everything around
A graffiti where ideas abound
The world for them
Is not what it's for y'all
Something which even they don't know
How it'll turn out.
But they are the green shoots
That fill the vacant spaces in me
I feel their sudden outbursts
In song n words n shakin' rears!
They remind me of my summer of '69
When i lost mine...
Gone are the joyous cries
Replaced by slam-dunk and high fives
Gone are the melodies rare
Giving way to
Two bases and one snare
Gone are the two oiled plaits
It's the spikes n shacks n locks n waves.
A tremor hereAnd a fire there
A spring in each step
And autumn in the air
The winter for them is vibrant and live
A collection of jazz for them to jive.
They are the youth of today
Building their tomorrows
What'll stop them, they dunno.
I am forever grateful to them
For keeping me alive and taking me....
To new heights and realms.
Snuggled under the shadow of my tin roof...
The rain falls
Like heavenly fountain
Till it reaches the earth
Down here ...
There's a shadow of hectic preparation
To open up our arms
As heaven drops its manna on us.
The wooden frameworks
Are standing... waiting... dripping
The clay figures inside the shed
Laugh at them
What a pity...
One day they wil be laughed at too.
But for me it's no laughing matter.
The creases on my forehead deepens
I'm worried - "will i make it this year?"
The heavens seem to spit upon my effort
I look up in indignation
I've been doing so every morning
But today...The clouds opened up
And answered my prayers
I thought falling on deaf ears
That ray of light
Washed away my tears
Tears... that dropped with the melting clay.
I start my work afresh
Undaunted ... Undefeated.
This is my battle for sustenance
I fight it every year.
The end is always known
But the path to it unclear.
The fresh supply of clay comes
My nimble fingers work upon
The hands, the face, the body...
I feel like God
The creation in my hands
Oh what pleasure there is
To give shape to the Divine...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
My friend – I lost years ago,
I came across her one day
Memories of child hood began to flow-
That had refused to fade away.
Those days of fun
Spent under the clear sun-
Was nothing but pure joy,
The doll’s house
The game of cat-n-mouse
The toy king and his convoy!
Then we grew up, with books pulling us apart
Yet we tried to hold on –
A thin string still connecting our heart
And which one day was gone.
Each went in our own way
As life taught us to dream and pray
But deep within our heart we cried-
For once –
Give me my friend for old time’s sake.
Then one day we come face-to-face
After a decade’s long wait,
What an irony, that we just walked past
Not even changing our pace.
They say that time is the best healer –
But to me it is the greatest stealer,
For it is to Time that lost my friend
With whom I wanted this journey to end…
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Mind you, we both are just a floor apart... Lazy bums that we are we converse this way!!
sneha: did u see the list of names that we got!????
sneha: this is exactly WHY i was against this idea
me: woh man!
me: i wash my hands off this
sneha: Taar: The String that lets us to Express???
i want to cry
i really want to sit down and weep my lungs out
me: wat abt audacity?
sneha: someone's said domino mag
sneha: and they ve included that in the list
i mean, why
me: wats ths /something/somethng/...../....???
me: stupid corner?!
me: flluent eflu...THY VOICE!!!
me: THY VOICE!
Wat do they think of us? - organized chaos??
sneha: i seriously want to cry
me: amritha is almost rolling on the floor...
sneha: i swear i'm gonna caste my vote for bitextuality and taar
sneha: and maybe WAGSAGA watever
me: silence is the best option...peace....om.....
i m fuming
there's smoke coming outta my ears
i swear there is
me: ur hair doesnt help at all
plz do not come dwn and kill me!!!
sneha: i'm gonna go to ishita's room and jump
me: good none taught me mallu
y bother the poor kid
ppl hv strtd tking their picks too!!!
sneha: i REFUSE to be the editor for a mag that calls itself apna EFLU
i'm an inch away from murder
4:00 PM - I decide that I will not take my second Spanish sessionals.
4:30 PM - Sneha gives me a list of the names and asks me to come up with funny bylines as soon as possible. Then comes the grueling task of coming up with crossword...something I have never done in my life before.
6:00 PM - I stop dilly dallying and decide that I will seriously not take the exam
8:00 PM - frantic editing and layout work going on.
Vivek with his philosophies was not helping us in this stressful condition.
Sneha is almost on the verge of committing murder...!!
I, trying to be the smart ass, call up the Printing guy, assuring him that we are on our way.
8:15 PM - Sneha refuses to get the point that she is working on her laptop... which can be moved to places. M y (for once) sane suggestion of taking the laptop along with us and making a move to leave for God's sake was falling everywhere but into Sneha's ears!!!
Finally, illumination dawns on Sneha and without a second thought she grabs her lappy and runs out of the room and out of the hostel and towards the gate!
Thankfully, or may be unfortunately, given that we are called the "conjoined twins" by a majority of the campus (thanks to Upi) I could read her mind and action...
I follow her out of the room grabbing our wallets and cell phones. Vivek...late to 'get the point' as usual follows us a tad bit behind.
The next scene: Vivek (who manages to outrun us) running towards gate 3. Followed by me (still running) carrying an odd assortment of multiple cell phones and wallets. Then comes Sneha carrying an entire laptop with a pendrive sticking out from one of the USB ports!! Quite a sight we were i must say!
Autowallah has mercy on us... agrees to go without much qualms...
On our way in the auto: Sneha is still working on the layout!! The touch pad and the cursor seemed to have a mind of their own...and Vivek and I were mute spectators to this 'Sneha and mouse' chase...
I decide to be the smart ass again... I call up the printer and tell them that we are almost there when we were at least 20 minutes away.
We finally reach: The man is more relieved to see us actually there in flesh and blood than us reaching there.
Well this is just the beginning...
A call comes from Vrinda (back in campus) - Sai, the xerox center, has not bought the A3 sheets!
After some convincing that Vivek can go by herself the guy actually makes a move. Thankfully he gets a free ride from the owner to General bazaar where from he is to buy the papers. And mind you the guy has not got a dime on him!
After a lot of other mini dramas we finally reach campus armed with our MASTER COPY!
Sai gives a "better news". The machine's not working. So we probably cannot start photocopying before morning! We fix up a time with him... At the insane hour of 6 in the morning!
THE NEXT DAY 5:45 AM - Something buzzing.... zzz..... zzz....
I pry my eyes open... Ishita calling... hearing someone else's voice on the phone... blabbing some thing in Bengali (well it was Sneha on the other side trying to wake me up). I hear a calm voice say "Asmita, this is Sneha here. I can't understand a word you are saying but I think it is time you wake up... and call Ishwar Bhaiya" (the xerox guy). Given my luck, I catch the man in the act! He was in the loo! (let's rhyme)... The things that we do!
6:00 AM - In front of Sai Xerox... Sneha me and Vivek... Gandhiji ke teen bandar. (okay this one does not rhyme... big deal!)
The photocopying finally starts... and the rest is history!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Since you ain't tuned in to what the rest of them people around the world is saying, I reckon that I gotta talk to you in a lingo that you'll understand. How you doing Mr. President? Trust you's doing good.
I just gotta tell you how mighty sad I was feeling, and still am I guess, when I saw them Twin Towers being blown to smithereens. I reckoned that when that happened, like all them Texan cowboys we see in movies, you would come out with guns blazing.
But Lord Almighty, you could have knocked me down with a feather when you, looking kind of bushed during the first press conference, told us people that you was gonna wait for them FBI boys to come up with evidence before you started smoking out the bad guys.
I was mighty pleased to hear you say that. "Right on, George! Now you're talking!" I said to myself. You kind of reminded me of that country cousin of yours that we folks in India used to see on TV - you know the guy I am talking about "Walker, Texas Ranger".
But I gotta tell you, Mr. President, you sure as hell ain't no Walker - cos you ain't a man of your word. You went ahead and bombed Afghanistan without showing us folks the proof you was talking about. You really had no proof when you started dropping all them bombs on them poor folks in Afghanistan, did you? I am figuring that all that talk about evidence was pure baloney. Anyways, you gave your cowboys the bombs and told them to have fun with them in Afghanistan. So what if they bombed a wedding party and killed a lot of innocent people?
Heck, it was nothing but "collateral damage". Hey, this is war and all is fair in love and war right? Can't make an omelette without breaking a couple of eggs, right? Cutting to the chase, your cowboys did such a good job that right now we sure as hell don't know where them Al Qaeda hombres are.
Earlier they were all herded together, but now you've got them scattered all over the place. Why in tarnation did you go and do that for? As for Osama, you ain't got no clue if he is dead or alive, do you? For all you know he could be hiding right under your nose. Better check the basement of the White House, Mr. President.Anyways, when your planes bombed Afghanistan nobody really said nothing. That's the reason I reckon you acted like the Lone Ranger; and with that sidekick of yours Tonto (Tony Blair) acting as the Voice of America, you went about doing what you damn well pleased.
You claimed that it was OK bombing Afghanistan, but when we Injuns said we is going to take care of business in POK, you got on the hotline pronto and asked us to have a powwow with your newfound buddy in Pakistan - General Busharuff. Or is it Musharuff?
What's the deal, Mr. President? How come you got different sets of rules to get rid of terrorism- one for you and one for us folks? I reckon we folks in India should have seen all this coming. We should have cottoned on pretty quickly that you ain't no friend of this here country. After all, you have gone and named your dog India! Not Pakistan, not Iraq, not Iran, not even Saddam, but India. Sure tells us folks what you think of this here country. Well, I got to tell you this Mr. President. Since you took over, quite a few Injuns have named their dog "Bush". So there!
Now you say that Iraq is next on your hit list. You're just itching for a fight, ain't you? Reckon you watched too many of them cowboy movies while you was growing up. For a long time for the life of me I just couldn't figure out why you was always hollering for Saddam's blood. Now everything is clear as daylight. You ain't after him cos he's stockpiling all them chemical weapons. I reckon you Yanks have ten times the amount he has got. Nah, you ain't gunning for Saddam cos he's got them weapons. You're rounding up a posse to get him dead or alive cos your Texas sized ego is hurting. Saddam tried to kill your daddy when he was the president of the U. S. of A. So as daddy's little boy you are now just itching to take a potshot at the guy who almost made you fatherless. I guess you figure that your family honour is at stake or something. But I gotta ask you this. Ain't you taking this a bit too seriously? Ain't you going a teeny weeny bit overboard? Just cos Saddam tried to send your dad packing don't mean you gotta send your soldiers over to Iraq and end up killing innocent folks. Get real Mr. President. Wake up and smell the coffee.
The way I see it, this here fight is strictly between you and Saddam. It's pretty darn clear that the two of you don't take a shining to each other.
So why don't the two of you step outside and settle the problem. There ain't no reason to get the world involved in your personal problems, kapish?
Some Iraqi official was saying something about arranging a duel between the two of you. Frankly, I think that's one swell idea. Maybe we could have one of them gunfights that we see in them old cowboy movies.
I can just picture it Mr. President. You and the man who is always on your mind standing twenty paces apart. You in your black hat, leather cowboy boots with spurs, black pants, white shirt, a black waistcoat and two shiny guns with ivory handles hanging lazily around your slim waist.
Saddam in his green army uniform watching you like a hawk. The two of you licking your lips as the sweat begins to slowly trickle down your forehead. The hands twitching by the side of the gun; each one waiting for the other to make the first move. I can tell you Mr. President it'll make mighty interesting viewing.
And you won't have to worry about TV ratings neither. I'll bet my bottom dollar that all the major networks will fight tooth and nail to cover this here event.
Talk about the mother of all battles! "High Noon in Baghdad", "Gunfight in OK Corral II", "For a Few Petrodollars More". Some of the names for the event. What do you think? Anyways, if you win the fight, you get the regime change you have been hollering for. If Saddam wins, well, Dick Cheney becomes President. Either way, the rest of us people in this world can live in peace. If you do this, you might even be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. So what do you say
Mr. President? Do we have a deal here?
Before I sign off Mr. President, I just gotta ask you something. In Afghanistan, you spent millions of dollars on bombs destroying buildings that ain't worth ten cents. No big deal, I suppose, cos you got a lot of bombs and I guess you gotta drop them somewhere. So Afghanistan was as good a place as any, right? Now it sure looks like it's Iraq's turn.
Tell me, do bombs have an expiry date or something? I mean do you gotta drop them somewhere before a particular date? Do they go bad after that?
P. S. Can't believe you ain't found no evidence against Saddam. Got something for you. Strictly between you and me, you hear? You ain't gonna believe your luck. Got this hot off the Iraqi grapevine. Earlier this year you choked on a pretzel, remember? If things had gone according to plan you would have been pushing up daisies by now. Guess what? The packet of pretzels was actually sent by Saddam! How do you like that? Still have the packet? Ask the FBI boys to dust it, Saddam's prints may be on it. That is the evidence you was looking for all along. Now, go get em George.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
First time given a chance to stay away from home and do whatever i want to do in whatever I want to do, I was more than reday to part with that coveted space of mine. I landed up here in Hderabad and the first day here was a reality check for me and for most of us here. Were put up not in the hostels but in the staff quarters and there we stayed for the next four months...we twelve girls and a dog.
Now as i write this I am comfortably seated in a relaxed easy chair enjoying the comforts of a room which has two separate tables and chairs, box beds, two cupbloards and most of all we two (in)human creatures, who are too bored and lazy to keep the room clean. The first few days were easy to do that but slowly as time went on, we too started taking this room too as granted. Sadly, here we don't have mum to do the clean up. So we stay in this shit, which of course is much cleaner for the guys, who voluntarily claim that they live in a pigsty.
S o the moral of the story is that we never appreciate the best we get in life but always focus on what's not there...