HOWDY PRESIDENT BUSH,
Since you ain't tuned in to what the rest of them people around the world is saying, I reckon that I gotta talk to you in a lingo that you'll understand. How you doing Mr. President? Trust you's doing good.
I just gotta tell you how mighty sad I was feeling, and still am I guess, when I saw them Twin Towers being blown to smithereens. I reckoned that when that happened, like all them Texan cowboys we see in movies, you would come out with guns blazing.
But Lord Almighty, you could have knocked me down with a feather when you, looking kind of bushed during the first press conference, told us people that you was gonna wait for them FBI boys to come up with evidence before you started smoking out the bad guys.
I was mighty pleased to hear you say that. "Right on, George! Now you're talking!" I said to myself. You kind of reminded me of that country cousin of yours that we folks in India used to see on TV - you know the guy I am talking about "Walker, Texas Ranger".
But I gotta tell you, Mr. President, you sure as hell ain't no Walker - cos you ain't a man of your word. You went ahead and bombed Afghanistan without showing us folks the proof you was talking about. You really had no proof when you started dropping all them bombs on them poor folks in Afghanistan, did you? I am figuring that all that talk about evidence was pure baloney. Anyways, you gave your cowboys the bombs and told them to have fun with them in Afghanistan. So what if they bombed a wedding party and killed a lot of innocent people?
Heck, it was nothing but "collateral damage". Hey, this is war and all is fair in love and war right? Can't make an omelette without breaking a couple of eggs, right? Cutting to the chase, your cowboys did such a good job that right now we sure as hell don't know where them Al Qaeda hombres are.
Earlier they were all herded together, but now you've got them scattered all over the place. Why in tarnation did you go and do that for? As for Osama, you ain't got no clue if he is dead or alive, do you? For all you know he could be hiding right under your nose. Better check the basement of the White House, Mr. President.Anyways, when your planes bombed Afghanistan nobody really said nothing. That's the reason I reckon you acted like the Lone Ranger; and with that sidekick of yours Tonto (Tony Blair) acting as the Voice of America, you went about doing what you damn well pleased.
You claimed that it was OK bombing Afghanistan, but when we Injuns said we is going to take care of business in POK, you got on the hotline pronto and asked us to have a powwow with your newfound buddy in Pakistan - General Busharuff. Or is it Musharuff?
What's the deal, Mr. President? How come you got different sets of rules to get rid of terrorism- one for you and one for us folks? I reckon we folks in India should have seen all this coming. We should have cottoned on pretty quickly that you ain't no friend of this here country. After all, you have gone and named your dog India! Not Pakistan, not Iraq, not Iran, not even Saddam, but India. Sure tells us folks what you think of this here country. Well, I got to tell you this Mr. President. Since you took over, quite a few Injuns have named their dog "Bush". So there!
Now you say that Iraq is next on your hit list. You're just itching for a fight, ain't you? Reckon you watched too many of them cowboy movies while you was growing up. For a long time for the life of me I just couldn't figure out why you was always hollering for Saddam's blood. Now everything is clear as daylight. You ain't after him cos he's stockpiling all them chemical weapons. I reckon you Yanks have ten times the amount he has got. Nah, you ain't gunning for Saddam cos he's got them weapons. You're rounding up a posse to get him dead or alive cos your Texas sized ego is hurting. Saddam tried to kill your daddy when he was the president of the U. S. of A. So as daddy's little boy you are now just itching to take a potshot at the guy who almost made you fatherless. I guess you figure that your family honour is at stake or something. But I gotta ask you this. Ain't you taking this a bit too seriously? Ain't you going a teeny weeny bit overboard? Just cos Saddam tried to send your dad packing don't mean you gotta send your soldiers over to Iraq and end up killing innocent folks. Get real Mr. President. Wake up and smell the coffee.
The way I see it, this here fight is strictly between you and Saddam. It's pretty darn clear that the two of you don't take a shining to each other.
So why don't the two of you step outside and settle the problem. There ain't no reason to get the world involved in your personal problems, kapish?
Some Iraqi official was saying something about arranging a duel between the two of you. Frankly, I think that's one swell idea. Maybe we could have one of them gunfights that we see in them old cowboy movies.
I can just picture it Mr. President. You and the man who is always on your mind standing twenty paces apart. You in your black hat, leather cowboy boots with spurs, black pants, white shirt, a black waistcoat and two shiny guns with ivory handles hanging lazily around your slim waist.
Saddam in his green army uniform watching you like a hawk. The two of you licking your lips as the sweat begins to slowly trickle down your forehead. The hands twitching by the side of the gun; each one waiting for the other to make the first move. I can tell you Mr. President it'll make mighty interesting viewing.
And you won't have to worry about TV ratings neither. I'll bet my bottom dollar that all the major networks will fight tooth and nail to cover this here event.
Talk about the mother of all battles! "High Noon in Baghdad", "Gunfight in OK Corral II", "For a Few Petrodollars More". Some of the names for the event. What do you think? Anyways, if you win the fight, you get the regime change you have been hollering for. If Saddam wins, well, Dick Cheney becomes President. Either way, the rest of us people in this world can live in peace. If you do this, you might even be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. So what do you say
Mr. President? Do we have a deal here?
Before I sign off Mr. President, I just gotta ask you something. In Afghanistan, you spent millions of dollars on bombs destroying buildings that ain't worth ten cents. No big deal, I suppose, cos you got a lot of bombs and I guess you gotta drop them somewhere. So Afghanistan was as good a place as any, right? Now it sure looks like it's Iraq's turn.
Tell me, do bombs have an expiry date or something? I mean do you gotta drop them somewhere before a particular date? Do they go bad after that?
P. S. Can't believe you ain't found no evidence against Saddam. Got something for you. Strictly between you and me, you hear? You ain't gonna believe your luck. Got this hot off the Iraqi grapevine. Earlier this year you choked on a pretzel, remember? If things had gone according to plan you would have been pushing up daisies by now. Guess what? The packet of pretzels was actually sent by Saddam! How do you like that? Still have the packet? Ask the FBI boys to dust it, Saddam's prints may be on it. That is the evidence you was looking for all along. Now, go get em George.