The next few posts will be very self revealing. I decided that I will write something about myself, not for the benefit of others, but to try and work things out for myself.
Ever since the day I have been going to the nursery school, I remember sometimes going into another world. It was a world where I perceived things differently. One might ask what I meant by this term ‘different’. But who should answer - the kid who used to tug at her father’s arm, giving the last shot of not making to school or this present me. Not that I did not like school. I loved going to school. I had always been quite lucky (at least in the early years of my school life) to have gotten wonderful teachers. I was always the kind of person (I am using the word person because I am still like that even now) who did not like too many changes too often. I wanted to stay rooted to one place till I get tired of that place. After which I will start looking around for opportunities to change. This does not mean that I forget the past. Absolutely not! Contradictory as it may seem, I like to hold on to every part of my life that I have lived so far. Some people live for the moment. I do that too. Only I re-live every moment of my life. I am the person who saves all my messages and mails, which I consider holds a piece of my life. I would go back to them and read them over and over again, recalling the very moment, the mood or the previous conversations that provoked that message or mail. That is when I go into another world. A completely different zone altogether. But I must clarify this to my readers that come what may I do not wallow in the sad memories which I very often recall. I kind of become a distant observer of my own self.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to sit in my class and look around at what my friends are doing. The surrounding sounds used to get muffled into one big indistinguishable sound. I particularly remember one day in my kindergarten school. This was just the year before I got admitted into a bigger school. The teacher was taking the class attendance. I was in one of those inexplicable zones of mine. The boys were lost in their stupid games, there was one girl with long hair. She was already prying open her Tiffin box. I remember, it was a green transparent plastic Tiffin box. She had brought boiled egg. She was all engrossed in her precious Tiffin Box. There was another girl (I must mention that both of them would later become my schoolmates in the bigger school) who slept while the teacher kept on calling out her name. She would finally wake up at the end of the roll call and go up to the teacher to make her presence felt. I cannot vouch whether this happened everyday. I remember only this particular day.
All these recollections had its toll on me too. As I grew older I would not only recollect but constantly judge my actions. I always had a very low opinion of me. I thought myself to be a poor writer even when there were articles that were getting published one after another. I was always conscious (for reasons unknown to me) that I did not know the perfect grammar, neither in English nor in my mother tongue. In fact, I believe that hadn’t I always judged myself I would have taken things/ situation for granted and stopped taking them seriously. It made me conscious and clumsy at times. Well, I was just following the ways of the universe. I know what to do in a situation. But I would find myself making the silliest of mistakes that made me go red to the ears! After that, I would go over that incident over and over in my mind, till I reached a point when I could not take the shame of having embarrassed myself.
My day dreams consists of people I may not even know. But one thing for sure, the idea of day dream always reminds me of one of my friends back in school, whom we called 'daydreamer'. No it was not me.