Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Blast from the past...

It's time to slowly start wrapping up things for this semester. Not the forever enthu type to start packing so soon, I nevertheless ventured to have a look at what are the things that are dumped in the lowest shelf of my cupboard. Suddenly I came across a notebook that was more of a journal years back. I did not even know that I have this with me here. Should take it back home and leave it there. But just as old things make us stop and wait and look at it, I started ruffling through the pages... Mundane things about life, a bit of PNPC here and there about somebody somewhere, an enraged entry after a huge fight with Mum when I felt that that was the end of it. But then, end of what? I guess when you are young you tend to think that you will do something so drastic (which is actually stupid) that it will change your whole world. Only that for me, I have not been able to find something that drastic to do! But that desire still remains... only I, like many others around me, cannot imagine me doing anything too out of the world. I am somebody who usually follows the rules, not the stickler for rules, but like to walk on the right side of the 'law'.
I am just waiting for that moment when that 'me' will emerge. Till then it is just me.
And suddenly I turned a page and found a few lines that had caught my fancy:
"Your own reality - for yourself, not for others - what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means."

Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Confessions of a Confused Mind!

* I believe that I am a dumb ass. I take time to understand things. Most of the time I don't open my mouth because I have no clue what is going on around me. Or many a times I just shut up because I think that I don't have anything intelligent or even interesting to say.

* I most of the time feel that I am spaced out, in a state of zombie, walking around in my own Lala land. Most of the time I let everything around me just pass by. I like the feeling when I am the only one standing against the flow, without any motion, feeling the flow of humanity dragging me towards an unknown destiny.

* I have never in my life made a conscious effort to make relationships work. If you think that I am your best friend that is because you make me feel special and hence I think I should reciprocate. I have let many an important people walk away from my life, just like that... And now, I feel it is time that I should do something about it.

* I prefer to be politically correct. Even if in my head I take a side, I will usually not disclose that unless under dire circumstances. So when I really want to say something, it is usually a spontaneous outburst of emotions.

* Although I claim to be this 2008 woman who can take care of herself, deep within I am still the only daughter. I am free to take decisions for myself, but cannot seem to take one without their hallowed approval, no matter how much I try.

* I have slowly achieved all that I wanted to achieve in life, till at least this stage of my life. But now I don't know where to go next.

* I don't have too many hobbies and those I do, I don't stick to them for too long. I give up things abruptly, which till the moment before meant a lot to me. And I must confess that it has cost me a lot in life.

* I am a scary blend of contradictions. Just when you thought that I am one of those kind souls who thinks about everybody, wait till you hear me snap at any random victim. The worst part being you don't know what's coming, until it hits you and you are left thinking - "What did just happen?" Just when you think that you know... I will throw a surprise at you.

* If I like you, I will put my trust and faith in you. If you disappoint me, I'll just shut up and before you know the situation will turn from we being friends,it will be all about you in a manner you wont even realize. And then when day when I will not be able to take it anymore, I'll leave... without any explanations.

* I seem like a blabbermouth, talking a mile a dozen. I tell entertaining stories about what's happening in and around. Well, it's just me making you believe that you are updated about what's with everything in this small world of ours. I am just doing my duty as a friend to keep you informed.

** After reading this you may feel that you don't know me at all. Well, what can I say, real stories are never entertaining.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Colours...




The eternity seems closer
till a point, From which there
is no return...

A strong waft of breeze
bring...
Memories of pleasant days
Spent under the sun.

Life ... defined
by the criss-crossing colours.